Wondering

At night I wonder, I wonder why I can´t let you go. Not now, not ever. I should, shouldn´t I?

Life teared us apart, why can´t I tear you away from my heart? What have we became? A fragment of what we were. Why?  Why do I let you creep into me? Why don´t I just rip you from me?

This is poison, madness even. You kill me slowly, and yet keep me alive. You are like water, just the right among gets you going, allows you to float, to swim. Too much kills you, and less too!

 

What can I do? Why don´t I allow myself to let you go, I´m I afraid of having nothing left? Is that ? Afraid of feeling empty? Why should I? More that I am is almost impossible. I can´t connect to anyone, I can´t love anyone else, I don´t give enough of myself and eventually people grow tired of that. All because I´m afraid of felling empty, lost. What is the prize? We will never be more than this, we will never be were I wan´t us to be. We will never reach that!

 

I will never have you at my side, not as a friend, not as a lover and not ever as a companion. You were never there for me, and even if I tell myself that I had, I wasn´t there for you either. Not from lack of trying, more lack of sharing, of letting me in, of letting you in.

For all I know we are strangers, I never let you in, and you never let me close enough. Is stupid, you know? It´s certainly stupid claiming loving someone that you don´t even know, and more stupid is clinging to that with everything that you got.

Maybe that´s all that this is, a stupid choice with a stupid and slow ending. Maybe I am the one to blame, certainly I am…

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