Birds

I was watching the birds fly away, from branch to branch, from tree to tree and I could not stop myself from thinking that I was not free. I am not free at all. The birds fly away without thoughts and full of spirit and I am on the opposite side. I just can’t sop thinking and at the same time feel like I don’t think at all. My head is full with random, stupid and repetitive thoughts that don’t wanna abandon me, all of them are palpable. Nothing is significant.

The birds spread their wings and fly trough the air. They live while I follow the river flow. I do what is supposed, little of my time is dedicated to the things that I really need or want. Their life is full of color and breezes. Mine is empty. With no big reason, no big purpose.  What am I doing? Letting time slip away and nothing is getting done. I have no guide, no big goal. No big future ahead of me. Just a simple, mundane future.

What should I do? I guess fly away and let the winds pass trough my wings as I rise above from this emptiness.

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Wondering

At night I wonder, I wonder why I can´t let you go. Not now, not ever. I should, shouldn´t I?

Life teared us apart, why can´t I tear you away from my heart? What have we became? A fragment of what we were. Why?  Why do I let you creep into me? Why don´t I just rip you from me?

This is poison, madness even. You kill me slowly, and yet keep me alive. You are like water, just the right among gets you going, allows you to float, to swim. Too much kills you, and less too!

 

What can I do? Why don´t I allow myself to let you go, I´m I afraid of having nothing left? Is that ? Afraid of feeling empty? Why should I? More that I am is almost impossible. I can´t connect to anyone, I can´t love anyone else, I don´t give enough of myself and eventually people grow tired of that. All because I´m afraid of felling empty, lost. What is the prize? We will never be more than this, we will never be were I wan´t us to be. We will never reach that!

 

I will never have you at my side, not as a friend, not as a lover and not ever as a companion. You were never there for me, and even if I tell myself that I had, I wasn´t there for you either. Not from lack of trying, more lack of sharing, of letting me in, of letting you in.

For all I know we are strangers, I never let you in, and you never let me close enough. Is stupid, you know? It´s certainly stupid claiming loving someone that you don´t even know, and more stupid is clinging to that with everything that you got.

Maybe that´s all that this is, a stupid choice with a stupid and slow ending. Maybe I am the one to blame, certainly I am…

Weird Feeling

Inhale, Exhale. Breath!

The air runs away from my lungs, the darkness feels the emptiness and my head aches with pain. In the bedroom, just me and my thoughts are alive, just we understand, just we understand the emptiness, the despair, the darkness.

The heart beats exasperated inside my chest, the eyes move along the letters as I write, but the mind, the mind is far away, it´s at home, it´s on you.

After all these years, it´s almost ridiculous thinking that those childish feelings still invade me, but weirdly, they do. Yet, after all these years, of so many silences and heartbreaks. The years have not been good to me, time didn´t heal my broken heart and fade away these weird feelings.

Women in the eye, girl in the heart, that´s the way I feel, a teenager that grow up trapped in the idea of loving a boy that never gave me anything, never possessed the weird feeling that I still struggle to defeat. But do I really attempt to entirely defeat it? I try to deceive myself and say that I do, I try to think that I´m advancing and moving on, I try to convince myself that I have new crushes, new opportunities but it is never real. It is never the same, it never is that weird feeling. I feel, I know that I have to move on, but I´m afraid, afraid of being free, with an open mind, afraid of letting you go.  I´m afraid of not liking you, and worst of all afraid of liking not liking you.

You changed me completely, turned me in a totally different person, someone that even I can´t like, a person that I am not proud to be.

I would like to understand, I really do. I needed your version of things, your story of things, but I will never get that, I will never understand you and one day I will forget these weird feeling. Your face will disappear from my memory, your lips and eyes will be mixed with all the others insignificant ones, you will be just another face, a memory I will not like to relive. You will be dust, fragments.

One day you will disappear completely and I will not have it anymore that weird feeling, you won´t be “home”. You will be nothing!

Will I be happy? I have no idea. But now I know I am not. I think I prefer the doubt! I am weak, near the relinquishing, near the point that I think it´s your wish.

Tired

I´m tired. Tired of waiting for something that will never come. Tired of letting you have that power over me. Tired of not being my own owner, nor owner of my reason.

The eyes can´t even be open, the lips are dry and cracked. The day goes back too night without I even noticing it. Everything that I can think about it´s you, only you and the tired I am for liking you. Everything is clear in my head, I know that you never looked at me the same way I look at you. And you have all the right to do so. You are much more than what I deserve. You are the living form of my ideal, but if you ask me I can´t even know right know if is like that or the other way around.

I´m tired. It´s hard to deal with lost, and you are, even though you were never truly mine, my biggest one. I feel like leaving behind a big part of me. The part of me that leave me blushing like a little girl. A girl with dreams and hopes, ready to conquer the world, with you by my side.  The part of me that steels smiles and tears in a uncontrolled way.

I´m so tired of pretending that I am alright, that you don´t matter to me, when I know you know the power you have over me.

It´s unthinkable seeing my life without you, and with you it´s impossible. I will never be happy with what I get from here. Any way out are full of pain.

I keep suffering, feeling your lost but you are not with me in that pain, you ignore and don´t even lose time thinking about me. Why should I? I´m tired.